i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
