OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
