a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
