Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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