When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
