You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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