Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
