Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
