I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
