Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
