We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
