Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
