Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
