I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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