Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
