ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
