I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
