Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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