I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
