Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
