Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
