Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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