I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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