My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
