I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
