It's like a parade of train wrecks.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
