what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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