I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
