just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
