a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
