i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
