we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
