im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
