P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
