Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
