mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My vagina is officially offended.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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