who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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