my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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