he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
