Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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