mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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