I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
