I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
