Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Drake has all the answers
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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