yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
