i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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