I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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