i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
