It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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