HIV tests are more positive than that guy
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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