he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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