you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
