omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
