these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
