im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
