I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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