youre lurking in front of me
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
