i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
