So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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