This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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