my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
