She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
